Self-Esteem

The term self-esteem is often confused with other “self” terms such as self-worth, self-love, self-image, self-acceptance and, notably, self-concept. Self-esteem has a particular meaning: “how a person feels about who he or she is.” The feelings may be positive or negative; the basis of assessment, varied. Self-esteem differs, for example, from self-concept. Self-concept is “what a person thinks he or she ought to be or could be.” While self-concept affects self-esteem, the two terms refer to different processes.

A Recent Phenomenon

The study of self in academic psychology is a rather recent phenomenon. Even though the concept of self was introduced in the early 1900s, not much attention was paid to the study of self until the 1940s and 1050s in the writings of theorists such as Alfred Adler, Karen Horney and Eric Fromm. It is only since the advent of humanistic psychology that the study of self has taken center stage through the influence of theorists such as Carl Rogers, Abraham Maslow and Rollo May.

Currently in Western culture, positive self-esteem is considered essential to happiness. The self-esteem motto goes something like this: unless you value yourself and feel good about yourself, you will not be happy. Presently over thirty measures of self-esteem and self-concept exist, with the Tennessee Self-Concept Scale (Fitts) and the Piers-Harris Children’s Self-Concept Scale (Piers) being the most highly recommended. Many of the measures still require more accurate definition of concepts and validation of data.

The Effects of Low and High Self-Esteem

Low or high self-esteem is not a cause or an effect of behavior. This means that self-esteem does not determine behavior. Low self-esteem does not make someone perform poorly. High self-esteem does not make someone more successful. Low self-esteem can in fact be a prod to higher accomplishment, as for the athlete who has to overcome physical difficulties or persons of small stature who became significant leaders. Low or high self-esteem cannot be tagged as the primary cause or effect of behavior.

While self-esteem is not a cause or an effect of behavior, it is associated with a variety of personal and interpersonal characteristics. For example, individuals who show anxiety, neurosis or social inadequacy and report illnesses attributed to psychosomatic causes also tend to negatively assess their self-worth. Those who negatively assess their self-worth are more likely to be approval-oriented and sensitive to criticism, fear arguments, report that they are unable to overcome their disabilities, engage in dependent relationships and feel unlovable.

Individuals who are nonconformists, intellectually curious and goal-oriented, aspire to leadership and generally find life more satisfying tend to positively assess their self-worth. Those who positively assess their self-worth also exhibit less defensiveness and more trust in relationships, are less likely to be depressed and report a more positive relationship with God.

The Development of Self-Esteem

Basic self-esteem is learned early in life in parent-child interactions. Because there is limited influence on a young child outside of parents, the parents’ impact on the child’s self-esteem is sizable and stems more from the emotional realm than verbal involvement. There are two primary building blocks in the development of self-esteem: acceptance and achievement. As two I-statements, these would be I am loved and I am able. Feelings of worth accompany the experiences of being loved and accomplishing tasks.

Parents express acceptance through gentleness, touch, time together, play and the meeting of appropriate needs and through encouraging and affirming positive behaviors with appropriate praise and affection. Parents validate achievements by noticing that the child is growing in the ability to do more things for himself or herself (for example, everything from feeding himself or herself and tying shoes to making decisions, creating things, forming relationships and living through failure and disappointment), communicating that recognition either verbally or nonverbally and giving the child increased opportunity to exercise age-appropriate skills.

Children learn basic self-esteem from parents because though they are not skilled interpreters of what they observe, they are excellent observers of their environment and their parents’ responses. Children may learn low self-esteem from their parents’ poor responses or from their “childish” interpretation of their parents’ responses. If one parent validates the child’s abilities while the other parent contradicts the validation, the child’s sense of self-worth will manifest itself inconsistently. If a parent overly rewards or punishes a child, the child will reflect a more rigid I-am-good and I-am-bad sense of worth. If a parent repeatedly labels a child’s actions as stupid, the child will believe he or she is stupid. If a parent pushes a child to compensate for the parent’s low self-esteem, then the child will struggle with reaching high standards.

While these are negative examples, the same holds true for positive examples. If a parent gives and receives affection well, the child will learn the same. If a parent is appropriately proud of an accomplishment and can celebrate failures or setbacks with dignity, then the child learns how to live with a sense of worth in the world. As children enter the teen years and adulthood, they carry with them their basic self-esteem: their positive and negative experiences of love and achievement, their feelings and interpretations associated with these experiences and internalized values from parents, teachers, peers and culture.

The Ups and Downs of Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is never static. It is either growing positively or is decreasing negatively. The ups and downs of self-esteem stem from a comparison between one’s ideal self and one’s experience of reality. When the gap between ideals and experience is small, self-esteem increases. When the gap between ideals and experience widens, then self-esteem decreases. A person’s ideal self is formed primarily from internalized values of parents and others (for example, hard work before play; it’s better to be nice than to tell the truth) as well as from the culture through the media (for example, the rich and beautiful achiever is the ideal after which to strive). A person’s experience of reality is formed from self-observation and through feedback from others (that is, the person’s perceived self). The use of comparison between ideal and real as a basis for self-esteem means that people are constantly vulnerable to emotional ups and downs as they assess their worth. Adopting cultural values as the basis of ideals means that those who seek to compensate for low self-esteem will do so through seeking power, privilege, wealth or rights, which, as we will see, is not the biblical way to find self-worth.

The Christian and Self-Esteem

Taking our self-worth from values in the culture, feedback from others and comparison to others or to ideals is substantially different from basing one’s worth upon what God thinks of us and how God acts toward us. Starting with God, rather than self or culture, yields a different basis for self-esteem. The pursuit of self-esteem could in fact be seen as an idolatrous pursuit for two reasons. Firstly, we are called to seek God above all else (Deut. 5:7-8; Matthew 6:33). Secondly, self-esteem, like happiness, is nearly impossible to achieve by pursuing it directly. Try to get self-esteem, and you are likely to fail. Self-esteem, much like blessedness, comes as a byproduct of seeking something else and someone other than self (Matthew 5:6).

From a biblical viewpoint, positive self-esteem is based on the fact that God created us with the utmost care (Psalm 139), in the divine image, nearly as angels (Psalm 8), and has called his creation good (Genesis 1:31). Further, God has chosen and redeemed his people, not on the basis of their being better than others, but simply as an expression of love toward them (Deut. 7:7-9; 1 John 4:7-21). As those who are created, redeemed and justified (1 Cor. 6:11) and who await heaven, God now calls us to love one another humbly in community (John 13) through servanthood. This frees us from a life of comparison (Galatians 6:4; Col. 3:1-7). Community in Christ is to be a place where we live out acceptance, confess sin and receive forgiveness and encouragement (Matthew 18:21-35; 1 Thes. 5:11; James 5:16). It is clear that one of the primary building blocks of self-esteem, acceptance, is woven throughout God’s actions toward us and intentions for the church.

The other building block of self-esteem, achievement, is based biblically on the fact that part of God’s image in us is creativity and part of God’s call is to be vice-regents over creation. We are also called by God to make his name known and build the local church. Equipped by the Holy Spirit, we are called not only to the achievements of human growth but to creative and spiritual achievements—all for the glory of God. For the Christian, positive self-worth is the byproduct of life in Christ.

Developing Healthy Self-Esteem

Three primary steps to healing can be taken with adults who display low self-esteem. First, seek understanding of the factors, such as early childhood experiences, that may have contributed to low self-esteem. Once these are understood, it is time to move on. To move beyond blame and anger over the past is important, for there is no healing in blame and anger. Further, simply understanding the past does not in itself produce change and healing. We can prayerfully apply biblical truths to the understanding gained of the past. Then, it is time to get on with the primary task of taking responsibility for one’s self-esteem in the present.

Second, address the cognitive distortions or the negative self-talk learned by the person from the internalized values, ideals and childish interpretations of experiences—from all the factors that have contributed to low self-esteem—and replace this negative self-talk with positive self-talk.

Third, develop relationships in which the person can give and receive acceptance and love. With those in a pattern of abusive relationships, this third step may be possible at first only with a counselor or helper who is totally outside the circle of abuse and who can assist with the development of new behaviors of giving and receiving.

As an example of the work involved in these steps, I offer an exercise in replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk. This exercise is based on Deut. 7:7-9, which begins in Deut. 7:7 with these words: “The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples.”

1. Read aloud the following statements that reflect the identity, the self-talk, of God’s chosen people. Add your own statements that you feel fit with the spirit of Deut. 7:7-9.

It is not because I’m beautiful that God chose me and called me by name. It is not because I’m spiritually strong or sensitive that God chose me and called me by name. It is not because I’m great in comparison to others that God chose me and called me by name. It is not because of my accomplishments that God chose me and called my by name. Your statements:

2. Now read aloud these positive statements that reflect the self-talk of God’s chosen people:

God chose me because he desired to set his love upon me. God chose me because he is faithful to his promises. God chose me because he desired me to be part of his people who are set apart to serve him. God chose me because he desires to reveal his mighty power to me in delivering me from sin’s bondage through Christ. God chose me because he wants me to know that he is God, the one who will bless my love for him for a thousand generations. Your statements:

3. As you finish reading these statements, pay attention to the feelings that accompany this positive self-talk. List them. These positive statements represent the identity of a person chosen by God who knows to whom he or she belongs, from whence he or she has been brought by God and who he or she is as a chosen person and part of a chosen people. This identity cannot be bought or created—it can only be accepted (by one who is steeped in the truth of what it means to be chosen by God) and lived out.

If you have accepted this identity, what was important in doing so? If you have not yet accepted this identity, what makes accepting it difficult?

The quest for improved self-esteem has intensified in the last fifty years of the twentieth century due to the study of self put forward by humanistic psychology. The challenge for Christians is to base our self-worth on how God has created us, values us, acts for us and calls us to be increasingly like Christ. For the Christian, healthy self-esteem will always be a byproduct of redemption and redeemed relationships which await completion in God (Romans 8:18-21).

» See also: Adolescence

» See also: Anxiety

» See also: Friendship

» See also: Love

» See also: Parenting

» See also: Success

References and Resources

W. Backus and M. Chapman, Telling Yourself the Truth (Minneapolis: Bethany House, 1980); D. G. Benner, ed., Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology (Grand Rapids: Baker, 1985); D. K. Clark, “Philosophical Reflections on Self-Worth and Self-Love,” Journal of Psychology and Theology 13, no. 1 (1985) 3-11; W. Fitts, Tennessee Self-Concept Scale: Manual (Nashville: Counselor Recordings and Tests, 1965); E. Piers, Manual for the Piers-Harris Children’s Self-Concept Scale (Nashville: Counselor Recordings and Tests, 1969); V. Satir, Conjoint Family Therapy (Palo Alto, Calif.: Science & Behavior, 1983); P. C. Vitz, “Leaving Psychology Behind,” in No God but God, ed. O. Guinness and J. Seel (Chicago: Moody, 1992) 94-110.

—Mike Nichols